Every year, you visit Mom over the holidays. She’s overjoyed to see you, and she makes a big deal over the kids and grandkids when they come. You realize she’s lonely. Every year, she has a list of chores that are too difficult for her to do. Put up the Christmas tree. Replace the burned-out bulb in the hallway. The list grows every year. Sometimes, you feel like you spend most of your vacation doing things at her house. Earlier this year, she fell, and you received an urgent call and rushed to the hospital. She hadn’t broken anything, but you told her you were worried about her living in the house. Ever since, she’s been dropping hints about coming to live with you. You love your mother. You’d do anything for her. But… …you know it wouldn’t work out. Your house is too small. You and your spouse are so busy with work that you rarely have time to spend time with each other. And as much as you love your mother, too much togetherness would probably not help your relationship.
What are your options when your mom can’t live at home?
What do you do?
- Assess the situation.
- It’s obvious your mother is lonely. Ask her why.
- Is it because she can’t drive?
- Is it because your father died a few years ago, and she’s rattling around in a house full of memories?
- Is it because she’s too shy to approach the friends she had when your father was still alive?
- Is your mother safe in the house?
- Is her bedroom upstairs? Is the laundry room downstairs?
- Has the home been modified to make it safer for an older person?
- Are there caregivers who can help her when you can’t?
- Does she feel safe in the house and neighborhood?
- Consider additional factors that may affect her and the entire family in the future.
- How are your mother’s finances? Care becomes more expensive with age.
- How is her mental and physical health?
- How is her memory?
- It’s obvious your mother is lonely. Ask her why.
Most people, after making an assessment, are sobered by the implications. No one wants to face the fact that their beloved parent needs help. And even if she doesn’t need physical help, it’s obvious she’s lonely and unhappy at her house.
Talk to your mother!
Before you make a decision that will impact the future of your mother and your entire family, talk to your mother about what she wants. Does she really want to live with you or does she want to get out of the house? Is she lonely? Is she concerned about her health? Taking time to communicate with your mom should give offer you enough respite to research your options.
Should Mom move in with you?
Ask yourself these questions when deciding whether your mother should move in:
- Do you have the time? Your mother may have plenty of time, but you’re likely to still be working. She will probably want to spend time with you at her convenience, not necessarily yours. If you and your spouse work a lot, she may be no better off than she was at her house.
- Do you have the space? You not only need an extra bedroom but extra space for your mother’s furniture.
- Will your marriage suffer? If you still have children in the house, how will they feel about it?
- Will your mother end up unhappy? If your lifestyle is radically different from your mother’s or you have different values or religious beliefs, your mother may become frustrated and angry.
- How much care does your mother need? Although your mother may need relatively little care now, consider the future when she is likely to need more. Are you prepared to be a caregiver or hire someone to help?
Should Mom move into a senior living community?
Senior living communities provide opportunities for socialization with others her own age to alleviate your mother’s loneliness. Most offer activities and experiences designed to encourage the development of friendships, as well as preserve cognitive and physical abilities.
- Which type would be best for her—independent living or assisted living? Some communities offer both so a resident can transition.
- Is there one near you?
- Can she afford it? Can you afford it?
If a senior living community is an option, learn more by taking a tour or giving your mom a treat with a short stay so she can experience living in a community. Is Assisted Living an option? If Assisted Living is an option, consider “How to Persuade Your Aging Parent to Consider Assisted Living” to inform yourself about the benefits of Assisted Living and how to work with your mom and her doctor in her best interest. The eBook takes about 10 minutes to read and costs nothing.