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Sibling Rivalry: When Brothers and Sisters Fight About Senior Care

Mark and Sally both have their mom’s blue eyes and their dad’s sarcastic sense of humor, but that’s where the siblings’ similarities end.

After college at the state university, Sally moved back to the neighborhood where she grew up and took a job teaching at the local middle school. Mark, on the other hand, attended college out of state and dropped out halfway through his senior year to launch what’s become a successful tech company.

The siblings have always enjoyed each other’s company around the holidays, but things have been tense since Dad passed away. Sally sees the dirty house and shabby lawn and their mom’s increasing social withdrawal. Mark, on the other hand, sees a smiling face on Skype and hears the same voice over the phone he has for years.

One of the most common causes of stress among sibling caregivers is when they see their parent’s care needs differently, and this is especially common in cases where one sibling lives close to the parent and the other lives further away.

“There is tension that exists between the frontline caregivers and the distant caregivers,” says Barry J. Jacobs, a Clinical Psychologist and Health Care Consultant and Author of The Emotional Survival Guide for Caregivers. “The folks who live far away often make up for in assertiveness what they lack in proximity. They question decisions the people on the front lines are making. Usually, there is disagreement about what the aging parent is going through, what their condition is, and what they need now and in the future.”

Whether you identify with Mark or Sally, here’s a look at three possible solutions if you and your siblings view your parent’s needs differently:

 

Call a Family Meeting

Getting brothers and sisters all on the same page can take patience, coordination, and several in-depth conversations. Family meetings offer opportunities for:

  • The parents to share their wants and needs
  • The hands-on siblings to clarify the parents’ needs and explain all they do
  • The other siblings to learn about the situation, participate in care decisions, and brainstorm how they can pitch in

“At one meeting, it might be looking at how to support Mom or Dad’s independence when they are no longer able to drive or how to help support their continued social life,” says Crystal Thorpe, a Professional Family Mediator and Co-Founder of Elder Decisions, in Norwood, Massachusetts, and a Co-Author of Mom Always Liked You Best: A Guide for Resolving Family Feuds, Inheritance Battles & Eldercare Crises.

“Later on, it may be how to help them be physically comfortable. The decisions are different. What’s common is that you’re taking the time to slow down and to hear from each person — your parent, your siblings, and any others involved — what’s important to them before you make decisions together and put an action plan in place.”

 

Try Respite Care First

Another common reason siblings disagree on senior care options is when one sibling feels they should do everything in their power to keep Mom or Dad in their home. Maybe you’ve heard, “Dad made us promise we would never move Mom to assisted living!” or “Mom and Dad have lived here our entire lives!”

But if the house isn’t safe anymore and you don’t have the time or money to take care of another house on top of your own, consider a short-term respite stay.

Respite care provides you with a temporary rest from caregiving while your loved one — and your siblings — get to test the waters of assisted living. They can interact with others having similar experiences, spend time in a safe and supportive environment, and participate in social activities. Plus, your family gets a chance to learn more about what it’s actually like to live in assisted living.

 

Seek Expert Guidance

If you and your siblings are still having disagreements about how much assistance your parent really needs, it often stems from an underlying difference in perception about a parent’s ability to live independently.

What’s needed in this case is information and equal access to it. In cases where a medical diagnosis has been made and a doctor has said that a loved one should no longer live alone, you should make sure that every family member is informed about that recommendation, the basis for it, and what that will look like in the future in terms of medical treatment needs and care needs.

In cases where there is no acute diagnosis but a gradual decline in ability, it might be helpful to have a third-party expert observe your loved one and offer an assessment of his or her care needs.

“Aging Life Care Professionals, who used to be known as geriatric care managers, can come in and do an assessment of what the needs are and can provide professional help,” Thorpe says.

Ultimately, the most important thing that siblings can do is to remember they are on the same team. With patience and open communication, keeping in mind what is best for your parent while ensuring everyone has the opportunity to be heard, you and your brothers and sisters can help your parents remain as independent as possible while receiving the care and support they need as they age.

For more tips about navigating adult sibling relationships, download Brothers and Sisters, a guide to resolving sibling conflict when making assisted living decisions.

 

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The Arbors Assisted Living-Guide-Having “The Talk” With Your Parent: It’s Time for Assisted Living
Talking to your aging parent about moving to an assisted living community isn’t easy.

Often, many adult children avoid bringing it up because it can be a sensitive topic.

This guide will provide you with helpful tips and insight on how to have a productive conversation with your parent and siblings regarding your parent’s future.


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The Arbors Assisted Living-Guide-The Challenges of Aging: How to Handle Your Aging Parent’s Difficult BehaviorsDifficult behaviors in elderly adults are very common. They may be an expression of frustration your loved one feels or a symptom of early stages of dementia or Alzheimer’s.

This guide will provide you with skills and knowledge on how to handle difficult behaviors your aging parent may be experiencing.


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The Arbors Assisted Living-Guide-Becoming a Family Caregiver: What You Need to Know Before Deciding to Take Care of a Loved One
Becoming a family caregiver can be a rewarding experience. It also has its challenges.

There are many questions to answer before making the decision to take care of a loved one.

This guide will provide answers to questions you may have on this topic.


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The Arbors Assisted Living-Guide-Helping Your Parent Manage DepressionIs your parent or loved one depressed, or just in a bad mood?

What does medication and illness have to do with depression?

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The Arbors Assisted Living-Guide-Is It Depression? A Guide to Identifying and Addressing Depression in Aging AdultsHas your aging parent recently lost interest in activities they used to enjoy? Have you noticed a change in their mood and behavior?

This guide will provide you with resources and tools on how to identify depression, what are the common causes of depression, and how to promote mental health in your aging loved one.


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The Arbors Assisted Living-Guide-Assisted Living Frequently Asked Questions and Answers
Does your loved one need more support than what they are getting? Would they benefit from some assistance with daily activities?

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Has your dad stopped getting together for lunches or outings with friends or visits with neighbors? Have you stopped enjoying time with your parents because you’re a caregiver?

Choosing an assisted living community is a big decision. Learn how to find the right one for you and your loved one.


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Guide-Getting Your Affairs in Order
No one ever plans to be sick or disabled, and disasters, man-made or natural, can happen at any time, anywhere.

Yet older adults are among the most vulnerable during a crisis. That’s why it’s critical that seniors, and those who care for them, prepare for emergencies.


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Guide-Guide to Making the Move to Assisted Living
Moving to assisted living is a life-changing event.

This guide provides tips and ideas on downsizing, what to pack and how to make the transition smooth for your senior parent.


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Guide-Solutions to Common Caregiving ChallengesIn this eBook, you’ll learn how to talk with family and friends about caregiving challenges, how to deal with a parent who is resistant to help, how to get more caregiving help from your siblings, and how to keep your job while caregiving.


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How Moving My Loved One to The Arbors Eliminated My Caregiving ChallengesHave you had to cut back your hours at work to care for your mom? Are you worried about administering medications or injections?

Have you stopped getting together with friends, either because you don’t have the time or you’re too exhausted? Are you becoming the invisible second patient?


NOTE: Your privacy is important to us. We’ll never share your details nor spam your inbox.

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Guide-When is the Right Time for Memory Care?In this guide, you’ll learn about the difference between Alzheimer’s and dementia, including the early symptoms of dementia; the seven stages of dementia and the symptoms that typically accompany each one; and the signs it’s time to start exploring your memory care options.


NOTE: Your privacy is important to us. We’ll never share your details nor spam your inbox.

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Guide-What to Look for in a Memory Care CommunityIn this guide, you’ll learn about the difference between assisted living and memory care, how healthcare professionals are trained in dementia care, common features of a memory care community, and questions you should ask when exploring your memory care options.


NOTE: Your privacy is important to us. We’ll never share your details nor spam your inbox.

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Guide-Brothers and Sisters
Navigating adult sibling relationships can be a challenge, but coming together for the sake of your parent is important.

In this guide, you’ll learn about common sibling conflicts that arise when caring for parents, strategies for getting siblings on board, and where to turn to for help.


NOTE: Your privacy is important to us. We’ll never share your details nor spam your inbox.

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Guide-The StandoffAssisted living can be a touchy subject. No matter how you approach it, your parent is likely to have objections to something.

As you help them transition to a new stage of life, it helps to be prepared with answers to their questions and concerns.


NOTE: Your privacy is important to us. We’ll never share your details nor spam your inbox.

Instant Access to Free Guide

 

Guide-11 Most Common Caregiving Challenges
A Guide to the Most Common Family Caregiver Challenges Associated with Caring for an Aging Parent.

You’ll learn about the true costs of being a family caregiver, common family conflicts that can occur when caring for parents, and some of the unexpected challenges of caregiving.


NOTE: Your privacy is important to us. We’ll never share your details nor spam your inbox.

Instant Access to Free Guide

 

Guide-Checklist_ Questions to Ask When Touring an Assisted Living Community
This checklist will help to make sure you are getting the most out of your visit to The Arbors.

The list details what important questions to ask during your visit so you are able to make an enlightened choice and find the best assisted living community for your needs.

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Guide-What is Assisted Living Really LikeIf you’re unsure what Assisted Living looks like in real life, whether there is a difference with nursing homes or a desire to see how community life unfolds, then this guide is exactly what you need.

A guide to discover the Care Team and a Typical Day in Assisted Living.

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You’re probably wondering how much the different senior living options compare to your current situation.
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