Deciding that a parent may benefit from assisted living is never easy. It often follows months—or even years—of watching them struggle with daily tasks, isolate themselves, or experience health changes. And while you may feel strongly that it’s time to explore senior living, not every family member always agrees. When a sibling says “no” to assisted living, it can lead to tension, frustration, and difficult conversations that delay much-needed care.
How to handle sibling conflict over the care of elderly parents
This situation is more common than you might think and can bring up years of family dynamics and unresolved roles. Whether you’re dealing with a sibling who refuses to see the need, doesn’t trust the process, or avoids the conversation, there are ways to work through it with compassion and clarity.
Understand their hesitation
Before jumping into conflict, pause to understand where your sibling is coming from. Resistance often comes from fear—fear of losing a parent, fear of change, or fear that you’re making a rushed decision.
Some common concerns include:
- Cost worries: Is your sibling anxious about the financial impact?
- Emotional attachment: Are they struggling to accept that your parents’ needs have changed?
- Misinformation: Do they have outdated ideas about what assisted living means?
- Guilt or grief: Are they feeling overwhelmed, disconnected, or unable to cope with this stage of life?
Start by asking thoughtful questions and listening without judgment. A simple “What worries you about assisted living?” can open a more productive dialogue.
Acknowledge everyone’s role
In most families, caregiving responsibilities don’t fall equally. One sibling may take on most of the hands-on support, while others are less involved. This imbalance can lead to caregiver sibling resentment—especially if the more involved sibling advocates for assisted living.
If you’re that person, it’s okay to voice your needs. “I’m doing my best, but I can’t do this alone anymore” is a powerful and honest place to begin. Let your sibling know this isn’t about pushing away responsibility—it’s about ensuring your parent gets the care and connection they deserve.
For less involved siblings, this moment may be a wake-up call. Try not to shame them for not doing more. Instead, focus on what’s best for your parent and how you can come together to support them.
Bring in a neutral third party
When sibling conflict over the care of elderly parents gets intense, sometimes it helps to bring in an outside voice. A care manager, primary care doctor, or senior living advisor can offer professional insight that removes the emotional weight from the conversation.
Involving a third party not only adds credibility but can also help validate your concerns and clear the path forward for everyone involved.
Focus on your parents’ needs—not the argument
Amid disagreements, it’s easy to focus on who’s right instead of what’s needed. But the heart of the matter should always be your parents’ well-being. Are they lonely? Are they skipping meals? Struggling with medications? Withdrawing from social life?
Instead of framing the conversation as a battle over assisted living, shift the lens to your parents’ quality of life.
Try:
- “I’ve noticed Mom hasn’t been cooking lately. I worry she’s not eating enough.”
- “Dad used to love being around people. He’s so isolated now.”
- “We want them to live with dignity and joy, not just get by.”
Focusing on shared goals, like your parents’ happiness and health, can often help you find more common ground.
Plan for disagreement
The reality is, sometimes siblings won’t come to a complete agreement. If you’re dealing with unsupportive siblings, it may come down to making decisions based on your parents’ best interests, even if everyone isn’t on board.
Start by understanding your legal and practical role. If you have medical power of attorney or are the primary caregiver, you may have more decision-making authority than you think. But even without those formal roles, you can still advocate for change.
Keep records of concerning behaviors, missed medications, or health declines. Encourage your parents to speak for themselves if they’re able. And remember: doing what’s right for your parents may not always feel easy, but it’s often necessary.
You don’t have to navigate this alone
At The Arbors and The Ivy, we’ve encountered many families with these exact challenges. We know how complex family relationships can be and how emotional the decision to move to assisted living can feel.
Our family-owned communities in Connecticut and Massachusetts are welcoming and focused on making this transition as smooth and supportive as possible. Whether you’re still having the first conversation or you’re ready to explore the next steps, we’re here to help—with compassion, experience, and no pressure.
Contact us today at 860.698.8613 or online to learn more about how we can support your parents—and your entire family—through this journey.